Nancy Kauffmann tells of how two churches handled situations of abuse within their own congregations and how our response can affect the light of life of the person experiencing abuse.
Nancy Kauffmann is the interim denominational minister of Church Safety for Mennonite Church USA’s Church Vitality office. She provides leadership for Safe Church, MC USA’s abuse awareness, prevention and response ministry. She was a founding board member and past president of the former Dove’s Nest. She has served in ministry leadership roles at congregational, conference and denominational levels for 40 years. Kauffmann holds a Doctor of Ministry in pastoral counseling and medical ethics from Claremont (California) School of Theology, and a Master of Divinity from Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary, Elkhart, Indiana. She is a member of College Mennonite Church in Goshen, Indiana, where she served on the pastoral team from 1981-2000.
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“My light had gone out.” I heard those words at a recent CAPS — an abuse and neglect prevention service — event, which was created by film and TV writer/producer David Goldblum, who used those words to describe the abuse he had experienced at the hand of his violent alcoholic father. In one of his earliest memories, as a four-year-old, he was attempting to jump on his dad’s back to keep him from hurting his seven-year-old sister, whom their father had slammed up against the wall. Another time, he recounted, his father had become so angry that he picked him up, dumped him in the garbage can and drove off. Goldblum was abandoned by his mother and her complicity in his father’s abuse. Her response was to retreat to her bedroom and close the door behind her. Years later, and after a lot of work on his part, someone believing his story, counseling and the help of others, he said, “My light was turned back on.” Since then, he has focused his career on shedding light on abuse and its damages.
Since that event, I have thought about how the power of being heard and believed can impact whether the light within the person is turned back on or shut off indefinitely. Sometimes, within the church, it is easier to believe a stranger’s story of abuse than when someone is harmed within our congregation, especially when the one accused of doing the abuse is also within the congregation.
I’ve heard two firsthand stories about congregations that dealt with situations like this. The first situation involved an adult woman, who, with fear and trepidation, approached the pastor to name the abuse she had experienced at the hand of a highly respected lay leader in the congregation. The pastor put a process named in the congregation’s Safe Protection Policy into action. It was discovered that a few other women had similar experiences with the same person but had been afraid to say anything, assuming they would experience backlash and wouldn’t be believed.
While there were many bumps and a few missteps in the process, in the end, the abuse was stopped, accountability was put in place, resources were made available to those affected by the abuse and a lament service was held.
The woman who first came forward with the story of her experience of abuse later described the congregation’s response as lifting off the heavy burden she had secretly carried for so long. It was a burden that had affected her self-worth, emotional health and relationship with her family. Her words told me, “I finally feel like I can breathe again.” I saw a spark in her eyes. The light within her had been turned back on.
Unfortunately, the second story has an incredibly sad ending. A young woman attempted to name abuse that happened earlier in her life, at the hands of a highly respected and beloved person in the congregation. This congregation also had a Safe Protection Policy in place, but when the pastor attempted to use it, there was great resistance by several of the accused’s close friends. The church became a divided battle ground. Friends of the accused asserted that it was impossible that he had abused the woman. Some participated in a character assassination on the woman, claiming she was unstable and lying. The pastor took a major hit, too, and was accused of taking inappropriate action in this situation and was eventually told to leave. The woman was so crushed and traumatized that she left the congregation for her own survival. She said she will never trust anyone from the church, and now, declares herself an atheist, adding, “How can I believe in a God who does not care about me?” The congregation turned out the light within her. The day they turned out her light is the day they turned out the light in the one who was accused and in the congregation.
Why it is easier to believe a stranger’s story of abuse than the story of abuse done to someone we know? Why are we so quick to believe and defend the person in our midst who has been accused of abuse, and we refuse to even listen to the one who says they has been harmed by abuse? Is it denial that this could happen in our own congregation? Is it fear that the story might be true and mess with our understanding of what we thought we knew about the one who is accused? Is it a fear of false accusations? Are we assuming that since we never witnessed such behavior by the accused, then it could not have happened?
In John 8:12, Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life” (ESV). With this light, I believe the church should be the safest space to face anything. In that light, we listen carefully and hold the one who names the abuse and the one who has been accused of the abuse. We use our Safe Protection Policy to guide us in a process that allows the truth to be revealed. We willingly hold ourselves and each other accountable so that the light of life is not turned off in ourselves or in our congregation.
The views and opinions expressed in this blog belong to the author and are not intended to represent the views of the MC USA Executive Board or staff.
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