Leah Hoffner shares her experience of choosing to step away from the career she built to rest and live a slower life after becoming a mother.
This blog is part of the ongoing Learn, Pray, Join: Undoing Patriarchy series.
Leah Hoffner is the executive assistant for Mennonite Church USA. She graduated from Millersville (Pennsylvania) University with bachelor’s and master’s degrees in social work. Before holding this position, she worked at Garden Spot Village, a continuing care community, in social services for five years. She lives in Marietta, Pennsylvania, just outside of Lancaster.
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Two years ago, I found myself at a crossroads that many women experience. I had a burning question on my mind: Should I return to work or stay home with my baby, after my 12-week maternity leave? Twelve weeks was not long enough. I felt like I had just gotten to know this brand-new baby of mine; it seemed unnatural to be away from her for so long already. On top of the emotional angst, I was questioning how I would be able to carry the load of being a social worker, a mother, a wife, a daughter …
At the time, I decided to return to my full-time job and give myself the chance to continue my career. My team at work were all women, many of them also mothers, and I had incredible support. But after several months, I decided I couldn’t do it all. I took a step back from my caseload and full-time work. I felt so many mixed emotions, like I was giving up a career I worked so hard for, studied for and had advanced within the organization. I recognize that choosing to be a mother often means facing significant challenges to advancing at work, given the deeply ingrained societal expectations that mean choosing either professional objectives or caregiver roles. So while I admire women in leadership positions who excel in their careers and are breaking the glass ceiling, where possible, I felt I could not be one of them with my desire to be a primary caregiver.
We must acknowledge the harm patriarchy has created for men in our society, as well. While I was considering leaving my job or cutting back hours, this could never be an option for my husband, for financial reasons. He has always been the breadwinner of our family, working in a traditionally male-dominated field — engineering — while I was making barely half of his salary in a traditionally female-dominated field — social work. I had even gone on to graduate school and received my master’s degree in social work. Yet if my husband were to stay home or take a pay cut while I worked, we simply couldn’t be sustained. My husband, who is an extremely hands-on, loving, dedicated parent to our daughter, was given two weeks off work and expected to come back full time, as if his whole world didn’t just alter to revolve around his precious new baby. Compared to other parents we know, two weeks felt somewhat generous.
I continued working two days a week for the next year, until starting my position with Mennonite Church USA.
I found the balance I had been searching for since the day my daughter came into the world and have been able to embrace a slower lifestyle that allows me to be with her in ways that feel more lifegiving for me.
I embrace my feminine energy and find joy in activities such as baking, journaling, cleaning and doing laundry. My daughter joins me in many of these activities, and I know she is always watching me. We delight in being at home, enjoying the slower pace and finding rest when we need to. Our restful moments include listening to children’s mindfulness meditations, reading books and taking walks — all this is in between the chaotic moments of energy, as she is still a toddler. Sometimes, I tell her that mama is tired and needs to sit down to take a break. I want her to know it’s okay to need a break; we don’t always need to be on the go. As she is getting older and more communicative, we pray together and talk to God about things we liked about our day and what we are thankful for. I model using gratitude as a way to appreciate what we have.
I feel empowered that it was my choice to step back from my social work career, and I am enjoying life’s smaller moments unapologetically, which we know really are the big moments. I found that I can do it all, but it took months of prayer and discernment for me to redefine what doing it all meant to me personally, not the expectations society puts on parents.
“Learn, Pray, Join: Undoing Patriarchy” draws attention to the ways in which the current systems in our world and churches create spaces that perpetuate patriarchal norms and do harm to those who fall outside of those norms. This initiative provides tools and resources to help MC USA church communities work toward a more equitable world, in which everyone is treated with the care and respect they deserve, regardless of gender.
You are invited to get involved with Learn, Pray, Join: Undoing Patriarchy.
Support Mennonite Church USA’s Peace and Justice Initiatives by giving here.
The views and opinions expressed in this blog belong to the author and are not intended to represent the views of the MC USA Executive Board or staff.
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