Spiritual director Sherill Hostetter has been diagnosed with a rare and incurable disorder, and she shares how she has developed resiliency in the face of her diagnosis and health challenges.
Sherill Hostetter is a retired ordained minister, HR/membercare director, spiritual director, coach and consultant. After serving in Nigeria, Swaziland and Pennsylvania, she now resides in Bridgewater, Virginia, and is a member of Community Mennonite Church. She continues to give spiritual direction part-time She is author of the book “Wild Ride: A Journey of Transformation.”
________________________________________
We imagine how our lives will be lived. And then, life throws us a curve ball. Sometimes life forces us into a story we never would have written for ourselves. I would not have imagined the health journey I am on, with a rare neurodegenerative progressive disorder called Pure Autonomic Failure, which affects every system of my body — very low to high blood pressures, exercise intolerance, loss of body temperature and GI peristalsis regulation, many brain arousals while sleeping, etc.
Our pastor anointed me for healing, with a small group of friends and family gathered around me. I prayed and journaled my laments. It is a step of processing that I dare not skip when experiencing losses. Although I have not experienced physical healing, my inner spirit has found healing.
I’ve mulled over what practicing resiliency in new challenges entails, no matter the context of the challenge. My learnings are as follows:
- Life’s pains and joys co-exist in an uncertain future. I desire future certainty, but instead, God’s light shines through my uncertainty. I trust I will experience God through my limitations and the twists in the plotline of my story.
- The wisdom of enough. In 2016, a friend gave us a large ceramic jar that was glazed in such a way that made it look like the glaze overflowed from the inside-out. He said God gave him these words for us: “It will be enough.” I have found peace, most days, in the uncertain and unpredictable future. I can “bear” the challenges and trust that God’s presence will remain. When curiosity overrides my discomfort with my incurable disorder, my greatest spiritual learning of “enough” grows.
- Letting go. Letting go of my need to control is difficult. To let go is to befriend the darkness, rather than fight it, to release, rather than to demand and cling, and to be brave in the losses. When I couldn’t find a neurologist within a three-hour driving-distance to treat my complicated disorder, I let go of using my energy to keep searching for a different outcome. I am now only being treated for symptom management.
- Home is where the light outshines the shadows. My world has become smaller, but that does not disqualify me from belonging to Christ’s far-reaching community of light and love. “Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.” — Rabindranath Tagore
- Savor. To savor is to pay close attention and enjoy something fully. I’m savoring the little signs of beauty and joy, memories from the past, time with family and close friends, and good functioning days. I find comfort and peace watching wildlife at the nearby river.
- Trust in God. The acronym I’ve created for myself is:
T – Thanksgiving for what I have.
R – Relinquishing what is not mine to control.
U – Untethering from catastrophic thinking.
S – Surrendering to the mystery of God.
T – Turning to God for light and peace.
Listening to God, whatever my circumstances, is my spiritual discipline. It opens me to the holy:
“Listen to your life
See it for the fathomless mystery it is.
In the boredom and pain of it,
no less than in the excitement
and gladness: touch, taste, smell
your way to the holy and hidden heart of it,
Because in the last analysis,
All moments are key moments,
And life itself is grace.”
– Frederich Buechner
May God grant us courage, when life feels out of control; friendship and understanding, when we live with limitations or chronic illness; and peace within, as we travel our uncertain journeys in life.
Learn more about the Mennonite Spiritual Directors Network at mennosdn.org.
You can find links to the Spiritual Directors Network website and other congregational and ministerial resources on MC USA’s Church Vitality webpage: https://www.mennoniteusa.org/
The views and opinions expressed in this blog belong to the author and are not intended to represent the views of the MC USA Executive Board or staff.
Interested in submitting a blog for Menno Snapshots? Please see our blog guidelines here.